Broken
by savethenerds
Summary: A detailed and often dark look at the relationship between Paige and Emily as well as Paige's own journey told from her POV. The chapters are based on canon and start at 3x08 with flashbacks going reverse chronologically. How the rest of season 3a plays out will dictate the direction and tone of this. This is my first fanfic, so any comments would be greatly appreciated!
1. Chapter 1

"Hey. I rang the doorbell." Emily caught me off guard as I was working on my bike in the backyard.

"My folks are in Scranton."

"I haven't seen you in school."

Embarrassed, I looked away, "I missed a few days."

I was surprised Emily had even noticed my absence. I was sure she was probably trying to avoid me again.

"Are you okay?"

_Am I okay? Am I okay?! Here you are, coming to apologize to me, when really, I was the one who took advantage of you. And you have no idea, no recollection at all. And I feel so bad...and guilty...and a whole lot of other things. Am I okay?_ I open my mouth, but nothing seems to come out. I look away again and try to regain some composure. Standing, I nodded and lied through my teeth, "I felt pretty bad for awhile, but I'm better now."

The guilt was killing me.

"We have to talk about this." Emily stepped closer to me.

I immediately stepped back and retorted, "No, we don't." _Yes, we do. But...but, I can't. Not yet, anyway. I'm not ready. I'm not prepared to lose you. Again._

"You got sick because you drank from my flask. I have to explain how that happened, or at least try to explain."

"We can forget about the whole thing, honestly Em." What you don't know, can't hurt you, right...?

"You deserve to know the truth,"

_...so do you..._

"can we go someplace and talk?"

Without any thought, I replied, "I can't today." My heart wasn't ready. I didn't know what to say.

Frustrated, Emily asked, "Tomorrow, after school?"

I rolled my eyes and looked away.

"Please?" she pleaded.

I looked at her again and let out a sigh. _I can't hide forever, can I? _ I tried to speak, but again, the words wouldn't come. I finally let out an exasperated, "Okay."

Emily quietly confirmed. She nodded and silently turned and left. Watching her walk away, upset, just killed me. I watched her go and finally dropped my defensive stance. _God Paige, why do you have to do that? Why are you so defensive? And so scared?_ _Now I feel terrible for how I've treated Emily. I can't seem to do anything right. It's hard to believe she would still even talk to me after all I have done. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Calm down, Paige. At least I have some time to process everything that happened. But, I guess I have to show my face in school tomorrow. This is it, no more hiding. Not more hiding from Emily._

_It was getting late, my parents were out for the night. I was downstairs watching TV when I heard a commotion outside the front door. I peered out the window to check out the scene. Em? Is that Emily? She looked sick, slumped over the stairs of the front porch. She had to be drunk. But what was she doing here? What did she want? I slowly opened the door, "Em? (pause) Em? Are you okay?"_

_I ran over and kneeled in front of her, my breath full of distress and confusion. I hesitantly placed my hand on her shoulder trying to calm and steady her quivering body. I took her limp hand in mine and held it trying to get her attention._

_"Em?" I softly whispered._

_Her hand was cold, but clammy. She didn't respond as her head slowly rocked back and forth._

_"Em!" I said more forcefully. I took her chin between my thumb and forefinger and raised her head up. Her glazed and tired eyes met mine as she softly let out a sound._

_"You...y...you're here, P-Paige."_

_"Of course I'm here," as I spoke, there was a growing sense of urgency in my voice, "Are you okay, Em?"_

_"I...I think so. I...i...," and her slurs began to trail off._

_I interrupted her and threw her arm over my shoulder and guided her body up off the porch. Her body felt limp and heavy as I walked across. What was I supposed to do now? Should I bring her inside? Give her water? Let her sleep here? Oh God, what would my parents think?! What should I do?_

_"C'mon Em, let's get you cleaned up inside."_

_She let out a grunt which I took as an affirmative. We slowly walked, or should I say stumbled, into the house. Emily almost fell to the ground as she tripped on the corner of the rug. I had never seen Emily so clumsy before - she was always so graceful, so strong. It was strange to see her in such a weakened state and just as strange to be the one taking care of her. I caught her as she tripped and wrapped my arms around her, just below her arms, and brought her back to her feet. My body froze as I realized what I was doing. I was embracing Emily Fields! She was in my arms, her body resting upon mine. I never thought I would feel her so close to me ever again. I mean, I didn't deserve Emily. I didn't deserve her in my arms, even if she was drunk. Oh God. She's drunk. She doesn't even realize what I'm doing. Wait, what am I doing?_

_"T-Thanks, McCullers."_

_I snapped out of my daze. Her voice can do that to me, you know. But then, things got even stranger. Her head was still heavy as I watched it fall to my shoulder, but her body was lighter, as if she were standing on her own. Then I felt her arms wrap around my body and weakly hold on. Was she embracing back? She slowly lifted her head from my shoulder and stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes. I felt her breath on my neck and it sent a chill down my spine. Those eyes darted down to my gaping mouth, then back up to my eyes again. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, almost afraid of what would happen next. Then, I felt her soft lips brush against mine and suddenly the weak embrace turned into a passionate kiss. I should have pulled away, but I couldn't. I couldn't no matter how I tried. It was like I was in a dream and I had no control of my body. I leaned in and kissed her back. It only lasted a few seconds before she pulled away, but it seemed to last an eternity. But quickly the reality of the situation rushed back into my head as any sense of confidence quickly drained away. I stared at her with a bewildered look on my face._

_"Uh...I...Uh...I should go get you, some...some w-water," I hesitantly stuttered._

_I let go of her and slipped out of her embrace as I hurried to the kitchen. I leaned over the counter, my arms stiffly planted below me and let out a giant sigh. I tried to collect my thoughts and catch my breath. I looked to the cabinet above, but my arm didn't want to move. I took a deep breath and slowly brought my arm to the cabinet door. I held it there for a few moments before I could even open the door. I reached in and grabbed a glass, my hand shaking. I turned on the cold water full force and shoved the glass under the stream of water until it was overflowing. I took another deep breath, turned off the water and slowly made my way back to the front door._

_The glass shattering on the floor was deafening. My legs and feet were drenched. She was gone, the only thing left was the breeze creeping in through the open door._

_As I lay in bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, all I could think about was her. Did that all really just happen tonight? Or was it just some dream? I feel like all I can ever think of is her. But then the guilt sets in. I took advantage of Emily, who was clearly not in her right mind. Why would she ever want to kiss me again? _

_All I can think of is those few moments we did share. Her lips. Her hair. Her soft skin. Even her smell. I close my eyes and I can feel the kiss again. All those kisses again. I can hear her laugh and see her smile. I feel..._

_Oh God. Why is my hand down there? Stop it, Paige._

_But I don't stop. I feel wet. I can't stop. The thoughts are still racing and I'm finding my finger is...well...racing as well. I find my finger gently massaging at first, and then another joins in a more passionate frenzy. I feel all my guilt and anger and frustration going through my arm and out my hand. _

_Will this be the only place we're ever together again? In my head? In my dreams?_

_I get more and more swollen and my legs begin to stiffen. My breathing, heavier and heavier. I let out a loud moan as my back arches. And then, my eyes open and my arm freezes. I feel warm tears begin to stream down my cheeks. My body becomes limp and spiritless as my arm falls to my side, all the bad emotions flooding back in. _

_What am I doing? I'm even taking advantage of Emily in my thoughts. Why can't I get her out of my head? She leaves everywhere, except my head! Why can't I get over her? Why can't I stop loving her?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey all! Thanks for reading! I hope you don't mind these first six chapters or so - I won't be presenting much new material, but I really want to set-up the rest of the chapters and look at Paige and Emily's history. This one is kind of short, but to me it's just so simple and so heartbreaking._

_I also want to see these last two episodes before I really jump into the meat of the story. But, expect to see lots a new material during the fall break of PLL!_

* * *

I don't know who I was running away from more, Emily...or myself. All I could focus on was the crunching of the leaves beneath my feet. Anything to keep my mind off the task at hand.

During the entire day of school I could feel a nervous energy throughout my body. Like there was a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away, no matter how hard I swallowed. I moved from class to class, staring at my feet, hoping to avoid eye contact with Emily. I had been successful until the last period of the day. Our eyes met at a distance from across the hall, and I nearly froze in place. I conveniently dropped my pen on the ground and faded into the sea of students. Sometimes I wish I could just become invisible on command. It would make for a lot fewer awkward moments.

Em and I had decided to meet after school, but I insisted that I could not miss my workout that afternoon. So a run to the woods it was. I figured it would be easier to keep our distance. And while Emily gave me a run for my money in the water, I surely had her beat on land.

"Paige!" Emily huffed. I could hear the exhaustion in her voice.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I turned around to find her bent over, hands to her knees, desperately trying to catch her breath. The birds chirping and her heavy breaths still couldn't fill the void of silence between us.

"That drug that made you sick," still gasping for air, "it didn't come from anybody at the party, it was in my flask. You know that, don't you?"

Looking up, as if I were searching for the right answer somewhere above, I then looked her in the eye and dryly replied, "I guess I figured that out."

"When I gave it to you I didn't know it," I could feel the anxiety, the guilt in her voice, "I swear I would never do that to you."

The true severity of the situation began to hit me.

"But somebody did that to you," I said more intensely.

"Yeah," she scoffed, "somebody did it to me."

"Who." It was short and dry. I could feel the guilt turning to anger for a moment. The thought of someone trying to hurt Emily consumed my every thought.

"I don't know!" She threw her arms up as if slightly overwhelmed.

Looking to the ground, knowing in my gut that I already knew the answer, "Do you know when it happened?" I looked up, anxious for her reply.

"It was the night that somebody dug up Ali's grave."

All my fears were true. I stood there, bewildered, not knowing how to react or what to say.

"I drank from the flask and I," there was a pause as she searched for the words, "lost time. I was at Spencer's and then I wasn't at Spencer's and I'm trying to find out what happened to me."

All I could do was shake my head. Nothing came from my mouth at first, then I swallowed my guilt and said those four little words," You were with me. Part of that night, you were with me."

* * *

_"Emily!" I hadn't expected to literally run into her on the street. I quickly grabbed her arm to stop her. "Hi!"_

_"Hey," was about all she could muster with a forced smile._

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Yeah, I'm fine."_

_I knew that face. Emily Fields was not very skilled actress when it came to hiding her emotions._

_"No you're not," I replied with concern, "What's wrong? Em, talk to me."_

_She looked away, her eyes starting to fill with tears. She finally turned to me, "Maya and I got in a fight the other night at the party...and I haven't talked to her since."_

* * *

"Maybe you thought I was someone else, I think I knew that," I said, feeling defeated, "But I didn't stop you. I didn't want to stop you, it was like a dream."

Emily couldn't even stand to look at me. That was a stolen kiss. It wasn't meant for me. It was never meant for me.

Still unable to look at me, she asked, "And then what happened?"

* * *

_We hugged briefly, and pulled away._

_I still don't know what I was thinking. Was I sensing an opportunity? Was Maya really out of the picture? I felt like I had no control of my body at that moment and I did the unthinkable - I leaned in for a kiss. Emily seemed to lean in as well for a split second before she realized what was happening_

_She pushed me away, "What are you doing!"_

_"I.."_

_Emily cut me off._

_"No, I," she said with agitation, "...I'm sorry if I made you think..."_

_"No, I," I cut in, "...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to."_

_She turned and walked down the sidewalk._

_"Em..."_

* * *

Emily finally turned to me. After a moment of silence, on the verge of breaking down, I squeaked, "The dream ended."

Emily had a vacant stare. It frightened me. Her shoulders were tense and it was as if she were staring right through every tree in those woods.

"When I found out about the flask, I felt worse than awful. Please Emily, you have to understand I didn't..."

She clicked her tongue and cut me off. She spun away from me and took a step in the other direction.

On the absolute verge of tears, I was barely able to utter a word.

"Em..."


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey again! Thanks to everyone for reading and following and favoriting (is that a word? It is now!) and the kind words. I had no idea what to expect going into this._

_I hope you enjoy this one, it's quite a bit different than the last chapter (what I lovingly call a mash-up). Also, I won't be able to post a new chapter tomorrow, but I'll definitely be posting again on Monday._

* * *

_"I'm sorry about the other night."_

_"Just forget about it," she replied, nonchalantly. _

_"That's the thing, I don't want to forget about it." I tried to be sincere, "We have a connection, you can't deny that."_

_"We did. But, uh, I..."_

_"I get it," I cut her sentence off and shook my head, "I messed it up."_

_"You weren't ready, and that's okay."_

_'No, it's not okay,' I thought to myself, 'I would give anything so I could fix things. So I COULD be ready. So I could have you.'_

_"I wish I'd fought harder for you."_

_I felt defeated._

_She whispered and shrugged, "Im sorry, Paige."_

* * *

I heard footsteps behind me and slowly turned to see Emily.

"I'm sorry," I pleaded, once again.

Emily nodded, "It wasn't your fault."

I took a breath, "I shouldn't have let it happen. It was wrong." My emotions began to overcome me, "If I ever find out who put that stuff in your flask, I swear, I'll kill them."

"Don't say that." She looked away.

"I mean it," the intensity was still in my voice.

"I don't want you to say it, I don't want you to mean it. I want you to listen." She looked me straight in the eye and took a step closer. I felt like with that glance, I could see farther into her than I've ever seen before. Like her eyes finally opened a window into her soul. Like she had finally let me in.

"I haven't been with anyone since Maya. I haven't even thought of it," she paused, "or at least I didn't think I was thinking about it."

A silence fell upon us and my eyes frantically scanned Emily's face as if I were searching for her thoughts or an answer.

She broke eye contact, as if she were ashamed, "I was drunk that night," she looked to me again, "and I got lost."

It almost felt as if my whole body was trembling. I was becoming so overwhelmed with my own thoughts. So scared and so excited all at the same time. I had no idea where all of this was going. I lightly nodded and broke the eye contact briefly.

"Only, I didn't really get lost. I was looking for something."

My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest.

"I was looking for somebody..."

My heart leapt and my breath deepened. I felt a smile wanting to grow on my face, but I held back. Was this all really happening?

"..and I came here."

I lost the battle and I let out an awkward smile. I looked at my feet and let out a sigh. Not just any sigh, but the biggest sigh of relief in my entire life. It was like that breath released everything that had been bottled up inside me. The mistakes and the heartache of the last year began to wash over me...and wash away. Like none of it mattered any more. It was just the two of us, in this moment.

"Don't look away."

Her hand was on my neck, and it sent a shockwave through my entire body. Through my soul even. The butterflies that I thought were once lost were swarming in my gut again. I stared at Emily in disbelief and happiness. My grin grew and my eyes widened. I took a deep breath and hoped this all wasn't a dream. That this wasn't a dream that would leave me shattered in a million pieces if I ever woke up.

And then she leaned in. Her lips pressed against mine and I felt drunk. What do I do? I ran my hand up and down her arm and her arm began to do the same. She brought her other hand up, to the back of my head, and pulled me in even closer. The kiss was deep and passionate, more passion than I have ever felt. Suddenly all my fears and failures, all my self-hatred and anxiety, disappeared in that kiss. As she started to pull away slightly, I leaned in and took her hand and brought it back to my head and pulled us in closer. I never wanted this kiss to end.

* * *

_"What are you thinking about?"_

_"How easy things would be if I wiped out," I said with a sense of self-loathing, "I'm kinda done with swimming."_

_"Yeah," Emily nodded, "I used to feel that way."_

_"Obviously you got over it," I bitterly remarked._

_A silence hung over us like the stale smell of chorine._

_I turned to her and proposed a heartfelt question, "How did you get over it?"_

_"I started swimming for myself. I quit trying to be better than everyone on the team and just...relaxed."_

_Relax. Easier said than done._

_"Sounds fun," I sarcastically replied._

_I took my legs out of the pool and got up. I was sick of Emily her ' easy' answers. If it were all that simple, I would have done it already. I walked by her, my eyes planted firmly to the ground._

_"When's the last time you swam for fun?"_

* * *

"What? What are you thinking about?" She playfully said as she pulled away, noticing the smirk on my face.

"Nothing," I shyly replied. I was still trying to process everything that just happened.

"I believe you, Paige McCullers, are a liar."

"I am not!" I bantered in return.

"Don't make me force the answer out of you."

"And how exactly do you pla..." She interrupted me with a kiss, which ignited the fire in me once again.

"That's supposed to make me want to tell you?"

"No," she smirked the most evil of grins, "this is..."

And with that, she leaned in again, kissing me more passionately than before. She cradled my head in one hand and held me by the small of my back, pushing our bodies closer and closer. I still couldn't believe what was happening to me. In one instant, all my dreams had come true. Realizing my arms still hung awkwardly at my sides, I wrapped them around her back and up to her shoulder blades and I held on for dear life. I never wanted to let her go again. I could feel the heat of her body against mine and it made me let out a little moan into her mouth. She must have taken that as an invitation and decided to let herself in. I felt her run her tongue along my lower lip and then brush against my tongue. And then, it was gone.

She dropped her arms and pulled away. Had I done something wrong? In a panic, I opened my eyes. Then I saw Emily, with that same evil smirk on her face.

"Emily Fields, you..."

She placed her finger to my mouth, silencing me. She held my cheek as she leaned towards my ear. Her heavy breath on my neck and ear made my skin tingle.

"Are you ready to tell me yet?" she whispered.

I nodded. I wasn't going to give in quite yet to her game.

"Your choice."

She playfully grabbed my arm and brought me over to one of the chairs by the pool. The seat felt cold against my skin and made me shiver. She stood above me, leaning down so her forehead was against mine. Looking up at her against the starlit sky had to be one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. How did I get to be this lucky?

She grabbed me by the wrists and jerked my hands down to the chair, knocking me out of my daze. She pinned them down while she began to kiss my neck, first softly and sweetly, then with a growing hunger. She nibbled and it made me squirm in the chair. I felt her tighten her grip on my wrists before she let them go and intertwined her hands with mine. She then pulled my hands from the chair and brought then around her waist, securing them there still with her own hands. Our bodies were even closer now, her body on my lap, as my breath began to quicken. She let out a soft moan in my ear. My heart began to beat even faster. She kissed my neck again. Then my ear. She worked her way up to my cheek and then my forehead. I didn't know how much more of this I could take! Then she began to lean in for a kiss, her breath heavy on my lips. I stretched to meet her half way and her lips barely brushed against mine before she pulled away and let go of my hands.

I sat silent for a moment, trying to catch my breath.

"Tease," I quietly moaned as she smugly walked away.

"And that's how it's done."

I scowled at her, letting her know that she hadn't won, until I sheepishly confessed, "What was it that I was supposed to be divulging to you anyway?"

"I forgot," Emily laughed. God, I loved when the girl smiled. She never did it enough. Hardly ever anymore, in fact. But she was beautiful and glowing when she did. It's even more amazing knowing that I'm the one that's making her smile.

"I bet you need to cool off now though," Emily winked at me, "want to go for a swim? For old time's sake?"

"Well, uhm," I hesitated, "you don't have a bathing suit."

"So?" She took off her jacket and put it on the back of the chair to my left.

"I don't know." My shyness began to take over.

"When was the last time we went swimming just for fun?" she questioned as she kicked off her shoes.

"Well, it has been awhile."

"Right," she began to take her shirt off, "so get your butt out of that chair."

At least that's what I thought she said. Between the muffled words as she was climbing out of her shirt, to my utter distraction at the sight of her body, I'm not really sure what she said. She began to undo her pants and I became more and more nervous even though she was still in her sports bra and underwear. Of course we have changed in the same locker room countless times, but right now, it felt different. I couldn't take my eyes off her and my heart was beating in my throat.

She put her hand out to me and I slowly placed my hand in hers. She pulled me up out of the chair and into her arms. Her skin was so soft and smooth, it was the first time I was wrapped in her, mostly, bare body. Even though it felt amazing, better than amazing actually, I could feel the tension coursing through my body.

Emily, sensing this, gave me a gentle hug and a disarming smile.

"Just relax..."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys! Thanks for hanging in there! Sorry for the SUPER delayed posting. I'm going to be writing a few chapters today so hopefully I can keep on top of this. **

**Also, I'm TOTALLY incorporating the stuff we learned this week on PLL into Paige's character - and it was very much a direction I was hoping they would go. You probably won't see it for a few chapters yet, but it'll def. start to come out. Consider this the calm before the storm... **

**And I'm also so stoked for the mid-season finale!**

**AND! I'm looking to start an AU Paige story, possibly a crossover, so if there are any requests out there, throw 'em my way! Leave them in the comments or PM me. Thanks! **

* * *

The buzzing of the alarm jolted me out of my sleep. I groaned and flailed for the snooze button, desperately seeking another seven minutes, as if that would solve all the problems in the world. I rolled back to my other side, seeking sleep once again, but instead my arms became privy to the emptiness in my bed.

After Emily and I had worn ourselves out swimming last night, we retreated to my room to find some dry clothes and to warm up. And talk.

"Try these," I said as a threw a pair of little plaid boxer shorts and a black tank top to Emily.

"Thanks."

As she started to undress, I made sure to be fully immersed in my closet, searching for clothes for myself. I dared not turn around and see her fully undressed, I didn't think I could handle the sight right then without melting into a puddle. Once I found a suitable outfit, a pair of gray pajama capris and a cute purple tank top, I pulled the door mostly shut and quickly jumped out of my soaked undergarments and into the dry clothing.

Once decent, I shuffled my way out and across the room, head down, to where Emily still sat on the edge of the bed.

"Paige? What's wrong?"

"N-nothing," I stuttered, "I-I just...uhm, am still processing everything."

I looked up and her eyes has been fixated on me this entire time. I could feel them. A silence lingered in the air.

"I-it just doesn't feel real yet."

With that, she grabbed my hand and dragged me closer. I still stood above her, frozen, as she sat on the bed. She dropped my hand onto her shoulder and reached up. Her hand felt like it was setting fire to my cheek as she brushed it and then firmly held the back of my neck. She gazed up at me with a longing in her eyes and I took my cue to lean in for a kiss. Our lips met again and it still made me flutter as much as the first time. I pulled away and just stared at her with a smirk on my face. She patted on the bed next to her directing me to sit. I obliged.

"Paige," she nearly whispered, as she grabbed on to my hand in my lap, "I'm here. And this is real. I'm not going anywhere, at least not without you."

I looked away from her and let out a soft chuckle, focusing my attention on our hands, intertwined. I made a few inaudible sounds as I opened my mouth and tried to speak. Instead, I just nodded.

She grasped my hand even tighter as she began to speak again.

"I know we've been through a lot in the last year. I guess that's an understatement."

"Yeah," I lightly giggled back.

"But...but I've thought about this. A lot. Like you said, we had a connection. We _have_ a connection. It just...just feels right."

I looked up into her eyes, mesmerized. I tried to speak again, but I was still tongue-tied. Emily sensed this.

"Look, Paige, I know we've had our ups and downs, but we've come so far. We've been through so much. I'm ready to make this work."

I hesitated, "You mean..."

* * *

_"We make a good team!"_

_Just I said that, my phone began to ring. My mother, impeccable timing._

_"Hey, Mom, I'm still at school, just finishing up with Emily." _

_I glanced towards Emily and gave her a smile. I turned away again._

_"No, Mom, she's just a friend. I'll be home in an hour."_

_I could see the thoughts processing in Emily's head._

_She raised her eyebrows, "Just a friend?"_

* * *

"Yes. Will you be my girlfriend?"

I never thought I would hear those words. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I stared intently into her eyes for a moment, before looking away.

"Of course," I whispered.

She kissed my forehead and my heart began to melt. I felt tears welling in the corners of my eyes. She held my chin and raised my head so our eyes met once again. She took her thumb and wiped away the tear from the corner of my left eye.

"Em.."

"Hmm?"

"I...I don't think you understand how much you mean to me," my face began to become flushed.

"How so?"

"No one...in the entire world, probably...knows me like you do. You've helped me...so much. And you've been there for me, whether you knew it or not."

I felt the tears begin to stream down my face.

"Em, if it weren't for you, I'd probably still be in a closet somewhere, hiding. I'd still hate myself for feeling 'different'. I would be completely trapped..."

* * *

_"I came out to my parents."_

_Emily had a shocked expression on her face, "You did?"_

_I smiled and nodded._

_ "How did they take it?"_

_"Freaked out, a little. Some tears, some screaming, but nothing like I thought it would be."_

_I could still feel the smile on my face._

_"Wow," Emily gasped, "That's so great, I mean...not the screaming part, but, great."_

_I slowly walked towards her, "I have you to thank for it."_

_"Me?" she said, shaking her head, "What did I do?_

_I sat down on the desk in front of where she sat, "You handled coming out so well, it just made it seem possible for me to do it, too."_

_"I don't know about that."_

_"I do," I quickly interjected._

_She just sat there and stared at me._

_"I watched you."_

_She awkwardly looked around and cleared her throat before she spoke._

_"Thanks...I'm glad you were able to talk to your parents."_

_"Me, too," I stood up, "I just wish...I'd done it sooner."_

* * *

"I felt alone for so long. I felt _wrong_ for so long. But this...this feels so..._right._"

She placed another kiss on my forehead and proceeded to wrap her arms around me like a warm blanket. She drew me in, close to her body. I rested my head upon her shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her as well. We seemed to stay like this forever.

"Em, I'm not afraid anymore."

I felt her squeeze me tighter in response and then kissed me on the cheek. I lifted my head up and our lips met again. This time, I could feel all the tension leave my body. This kiss was cleansing, like the weight of the world had just been lifted off my shoulders. All the pieces had finally fit together.

"Paige. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of how far you've come. And I'm proud that you are finally the Paige McCullers I've seen deep down there all along."

I smiled back at her and let out a soft, "Thank you."

But I wasn't thanking her for her words though. I was thanking her for being Emily, for helping me through this, and for seeing me for who I really was when everyone seemed to be blinded by everything else.

"I'm proud to call you my girlfriend," she smirked at me.

I then caught the alarm clock out of the corner of my eye.

"Crap. It's 11:45 already! You should probably get going before your mom freaks out!"

I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of my mouth. I desperately wanted her to stay the night, but my head was telling me, 'Paige, it's a school night and you need to be up early tomorrow and...'

My head always seemed to be racing no matter what.

"Oh man, I can't believe it's that late already!"

Emily jumped to her feet and grabbed her dry clothes that she had taken off earlier. She gave me another quick kiss before she began to dress herself, slipping her clothes over the ones I had given her. She turned to me and gave me a gigantic smile. It warmed me up inside and I couldn't help but smile back.

"See you tomorrow in school?"

"Absolutely."

She leaned in, her hand cupping my cheek, and kissed me deeply one last time. I grabbed her hand as she began to pull away. She looked to my hand and then to my eyes, which must have been screaming, 'Please, don't go!'

"Don't worry," she tried to comfort me, "I'll see you in a few hours."

She smiled again and kissed my forehead. I finally let her hand slip from mine.

Yep, 5:08 came far too quickly this morning. I still felt high from last night, a smile on my face I just couldn't wipe off. Emily Fields, _my girlfriend. _The second alarm began to sound as it woke me from my daydreaming.

I shut the alarm off and rolled out of bed. My feet hit the ground, but I still felt like I was floating as I glided around the room to get ready.

"Hey you."

I closed my locker and was greeted my Emily's smiling face.

"Did you miss me?"

"Oh, I didn't think I was going to make it through the night!" I sarcastically replied, bringing the back of my hand to my forehead, being playfully overdramatic.

"That's what I thought, so I got you this," she planted a kiss on my cheek as we walked side by side down the hall.

I turned to her and returned that with a smile as I slid my hand and fingers between hers.

I've never felt so free.


	5. Chapter 5

**Here's a straight-up flashback. I haven't much to say about this one, it pretty much speaks for itself.**

* * *

_"So how was school today, sweetie?"_

_My mom always seemed genuinely interested in my life and in my feelings. She was much more supportive than my father. My father was rarely around, and when he was, he was all business. Somehow he managed to juggle between being a vice-president to an up-and-coming firm (I never _really _knew what he did) and a deacon for our church. When he wasn't occupied with the church or traveling for business, he was usually preoccupied with his job in general. That didn't leave much time for parenting on his part. The only thing he expected of me was to always work my hardest and excel at all that I do...and lead a good Christian life..._

_It sounds much easier than done._

_"All right. I have a few papers coming up soon, but nothing terribly difficult."_

_"And swim practice?" my dad interjected, "Have you gotten your anchor spot back yet from that lesbian...Fields or something?"_

_"Not yet. We nearly tied in practice again today though."_

_"You've been a leader on this team for far longer, and this...this girl comes along and steals your spot. I'm telling you, I still think it's because she's a les..."_

_"DAD!" I stopped him. I couldn't stand to hear him say that one more time. He humiliated me once, and now he kept harping on his bigoted ideas. It was driving me insane. The table was silent for a bit after that, only the sound of forks clanking against the plates echoed in the room._

_My mother finally broke the silence, "Have you gotten that math test back yet from last week?"_

_"Yeah," I hesitated, "It was a bit of a beast, but I managed to get an A minus."_

_"A minus?" my father chimed in, "I know you could've aced that exam. I think you need to spend less time galavanting and more time studying."_

_"Yes, sir..."_

_"Honey," my mom interrupted me to address my father, "all Paige does is study and work on her swimming. I think she deserves to have a little fun on occasion."_

_She turned to me, "How is that nice young fellow you were seeing, Sean? I haven't seen him around in awhile."_

_"Oh," I felt a pit in my stomach, "I haven't seen him in about a month or so."_

_"Good. You should be focused on school and not dating..."_

_"Nick!" My mom interrupted again._

_I started to feel sick to my stomach and my appetite quickly disappeared._

_"Sweetie, don't listen to your father. As long as you keep up with your schoolwork and your swimming, I don't see how a few dates could cause any harm."_

_I could see my father's face turning red. He despised when my mother went against his wishes._

_"Are there any other boys at school you're interested in?" she innocently asked._

_I sat in silence, staring blankly at my plate, the knot in my stomach continued to grow. All I could think about was Emily. About how I l_ost _Emily. 'This is it, Paige. The door has been opened,' I thought to myself, 'Either I take it now, or I'll be trapped behind that door forever.'_

_I could feel my hands becoming clammy and my heart starting to race. If I wasn't going to do it for myself, I had to do it for Emily. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath._

_I put down my fork as I struggled for the words. "Well...," was all I was able to eek out, my eyes still transfixed to the mountain of mashed potatoes on my plate. A silence hung over the table again, filling the room like a burning pie. Except I think it smelled worse._

_"N-not exactly."_

_This did very little to alleviate the growing tension in the room. In fact, I think it was the first time I had truly piqued my father's interest in years. He had this look in his eye, almost as if he new what was coming. A look of disbelief and rage. I could feel my face become pale as I felt fear coursing through my veins. My breath shortened and quickened; tears began to fill my eyes._

_"Paige, sweetie, is everything okay?" my mom asked in blissful ignorance._

_My dad began to hold his knife and fork in a tight fist as I could tell he was biting his tongue._

_I closed my eyes again and reached deep into myself, deep into my soul, to find every last ounce of strength I had. I just had to rip this bandage off. 'This is it...'_

_"Mom, I-I...uhm...I think I...might be...g-gay."_

_I couldn't believe those words had finally slipped out of my mouth and into the ears of my parents. I had _never _said those words outside of the safety of Emily's room. The deafening silence returned. I saw the tears in my mother's eyes as she struggled for the right thing to say._

_Finally, my father's silverware loudly crashed to his plate and his chair screeched as he threw himself up from his seat. He threw his hands onto the table and leaned towards me, "This is absolutely unacceptable."_

_His tone and his words ripped my heart in half. Not half. Into tiny little shreds that once used to resemble a beating heart. I sat frozen, in silence, tears streaming down my cheeks. I felt like I had stopped breathing._

_"You _think_ you are gay? You _THINK_?! Here I am, trying to run a Christian household and here you are _thinking_ about homosexuality. I _will_ not allow sin in this house. You had better stop _thinking_ abou..."_

_"DAD!" I nearly screamed to stop him. I never felt a rush of adrenaline like that before._

_I calmed myself and looked straight into his eyes and, in a hushed voice, assuredly replied, "I _am_ gay."_

_I took my sleeve and wiped my eyes, mascara staining the end of the sleeve._

_My dad stood in utter disbelief, not that I was gay, but that I, for the first time in my life, had stood up to him._

_My mother was silently crying across the table from me. I didn't know whether it was from my announcement, or from the scene that had just played out in front of her. I got up and slowly walked over to her chair. I got on one knee and threw my arms around her. She hugged me back and we found ourselves crying into each other's shoulders. _

_"I'm sorry, Mom," I sobbed._

_She tried to regain her composure before she spoke._

_"Paige. You are our little girl. And you will always be our little girl. And we love you no matter what. You're still the same little girl that we used to take swimming on our summer trips to the ocean, and the same little girl who always used to drop the ice cream cone on her way to the car."_

_I let out a soft chuckle in between the tears._

_"I just worry about what you'll have to face out there in the world. People aren't always so kind."_

_I could sense her eyes shifting towards my father._

_I heard my dad shuffle about and return to his chair. I looked at his face again and it had completely changed. There was a sadness in his eyes, but also guilt. Guilt for what he said and how he reacted. Guilt for how he treated Emily like she was some undeserving monster. And the realization that his daughter was still his daughter, no matter who she loved._

_"Just know that we will always love you, and we will always support you."_

_A sense of relief began to overcome me as I pulled away to look at my mother._

_"But..." she continued, "the rules haven't changed just because you'll be dating another girl. Schoolwork and swimming still come first."_

_She winked at my and I laughed._

_"Nick?"_

_"Paige, I'm sorry I overreacted." _

_It sounded forced from my father, but I could tell he was trying._

_"I still love you, but, this will take some getting used to. I might not be okay with it right away, but I will be, I promise. Like your mother said, you are still the same daughter we always knew," there was a bit of hesitation, "This is about me. I need to get used to this new information. You are still the same wonderful girl we raised you to be."_

_I couldn't help but roll my eyes at that statement._

_"The dogma that has been entrenched into me for years will need some time to dissolve. It won't be easy, but that doesn't mean I won't try."_

_To be fair, this is better than I imagined my father's reaction to be. I had no idea if he would get violent or throw me out of the house or just outright disown me. Relatively speaking, this was a pretty positive outcome._

_"Thanks, Dad."_

_I left my mother's side and gave my father a weak hug, that's about all we could ever muster._

_I couldn't believe I had finally told them. I couldn't believe I was still alive to tell about it. Was the worst was past me now? Maybe it would all finally be downhill from here..._


End file.
